Owning Your Orgasm Part II
Kara Kelly, The Lure Life: I’m Kara Kelly and with my other co-founders of the Lure Life - Summer Rice and Monica Reece - we recognize that we learned a lot last time around. Everyone, please feel free to replay our last IG Live! We found that, as women, our conversations are shifting. Even the question of, ‘What brings me pleasure?’, has caused some of us to pause and think. I mean, ‘How can I ask for it, if I don’t know what it is?’
To recap, we had a great conversation with you - Dr. Jodie - and Dr. Melva about owning your orgasm and that really opened up a lot of conversations and comments afterwards. It’s clear that people are not really talking about this in an open and honest way. So we said, ‘Let’s have another one!’ We feel that there is more to cover here. Unfortunately, Dr. Melva wasn’t able to join us today as advertised.
Dr. Jodie, among other things, is at Georgetown Medical, a published author and, just as importantly, understands women very well.
Doctor, when you think about ‘Newness’ and the ‘Now’ and principles of pleasure, we know that there’s a mindset shift. When you initially start dating, you’re doing things to make yourself feel good and your partner too and those early times are different.
And then, time goes on and sometimes we just stop sparking joy for ourselves. So firstly, can you talk about how ‘Newness’ is tied to pleasure?
Dr. Jodie Horton OB/GYN and author: I think that whether you are in a new relationship, married or in a partnership, you can definitely get stuck in a rut. And, we all get overwhelmed by life in general. Often, we kinda forget about ourselves. We never schedule in time for ourselves and that which brings us joy.
Being excited about doing things with your partner and keeping things fresh and new and connecting with your partner is a huge milestone in your relationship and, of course, in the bedroom.
LL: Exactly! And outside the bedroom or wherever that may be. This past year I’ve been having ‘Covid Conversations’ with friends and they’ve centered on doing things outside the house with their partners. As you know, everything we do has been so concentrated inside. We call it going to the ‘Let’om’, which is ‘motel’ spelled backwards.
The idea is you go somewhere and you stop being mom and dad and start being you and your mate. You can start being each other. You know, calling one another by your first names or made up names, rather than that title of ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’.
That alone and thinking about, say, new lingerie, and just a moment of having other conversations can really shift things.
What rituals do you suggest for people to get out of their personal ruts so that they can make that connection and how is that then tied to that increase in pleasure?
Dr.JH: It’s about eliminating the static. Even when you’re home, you can still be thinking about life happening around you. Taking that time, where it’s just the two of you, is key.
That feeling of anticipation of doing or planning something like packing that To-Go Bag, I call it a Booty Bag, is essential.
Even though life is happening to you throughout the week, you’re looking forward to that special time. Anticipation brings excitement to your relationship. It’s something that you look forward to.
It can be simple. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Anticipating those things can be sexy!
LL: Speaking of sexy, one thing that my friends and I have in our individual ‘Booty Bags’ is the Lure Intimacy Oil. It’s a nice little signal that you’re spending time together away from the house and those everyday moments.
Dr.JH: Yes! The great thing about the Lure CBD Oil is that it can be used as a massage oil and an intimacy oil. And the great thing about CBD is that there are a lot of CBD receptors in the reproductive organs and the sexual tissues. So, it all increases blood flow to those areas. It naturally increases lubrication too, which is great for those who suffer from vaginal dryness.
It can increase the intensity and duration of your orgasms. And it decreases pain, so for anyone who suffers from pelvic pain or pain associated with intercourse, CBD is a good thing to have with you.
LL: The nice thing about Lure’s Intimacy Oil is that it is super-simple and it doesn’t create the irritation that other multi-ingredient products may do. There was one recent study that suggested that the women who were using CBD arrived at climax 15% faster than those who did not. Is that statistic something that you’ve yet to come across in your work?
Dr.JH: So, there are many benefits with Lure CBD (Intimacy) Oil. It’s vagina-friendly. Don’t be afraid to use it as a massage oil and as an internal lubricant. A lot of people are using it not only for sexual pleasure but for pain relief and decreasing anxiety and past trauma associated with pelvic pain. The CBD also helps with that.
LL: Someone asked, can a woman have a fulfilling sex life without having an orgasm?
Dr.JH: Absolutely! It’s about sexual pleasure. It doesn’t always have to end up with an orgasm. I think we have this misconception that sex always has to end up in an orgasm. Women can be satisfied without ending up with having that ‘Big ‘O’’.
I think there’s a lot of pressure to have an orgasm and to not have one brings a lot of anxiety creating a vicious cycle. And then you lose the moment. You don’t live in the moment while you’re having sex. So yeah, just enjoy it. Whether it’s an hour, a night or a day try to live in that moment rather than thinking of what else it is that you need to do. Be in the now and enjoy it.
If you’re someone who doesn’t have orgasms, just communicating with your partner about what brings you pleasure may also help. Open communication always increases your bond, it enhances intimacy and allows you to relax a bit as well. Communication is huge.
LL: Sometimes your partner may feel inadequate if you don’t have an orgasm. How do you deal with expectations around that?
Dr.JH: That’s hard, as I have heard that too. We find that women will fake an orgasm, so as not to hurt their partner’s feelings. Again, communication is key. If there is something that does give you pleasure, communicate that. Questions such as - Do you like it slow? Do you like it fast? What’s your favorite position? - are the type of things you should be discussing.
There should be no blame or fault placed on either person. Not everyone achieves an orgasm. Lots of women fake orgasms just for that reason because of that pressure. And remember, men don’t always have an orgasm but that doesn’t mean that they’re not enjoying the sexual act of intimacy.
LL: What other things can people do to prepare themselves or their bodies differently to achieve orgasm?
Dr.JH: We touched on the mental and physical aspects but if you have chronic pelvic pain, seeing your physician about that and getting that condition diagnosed will help. Certain positions may be better – whether you’re on top, doggy style or whatever is the most comfortable for you.
As for the pelvic floor, some women may lose the support of their pelvic organs. The pelvic floor muscles support the urethra, vagina and the rectum. As we get older that support may decrease.
So you may have what we call ‘prolapse’ where things start to fall including your bladder, small bowel, uterus, rectum, cervix - all those things may end up being affected.
But doing the Kegel exercises, which I hope most women have heard about, will help support those muscles to prevent prolapse. Some people are just unfortunate and have poor muscle control. For instance, childbirth can contribute to this condition, so Kegel exercises will help strengthen those.
You can do Kegels everywhere. I just did one now! (laughs) Learning how to properly contract and release those muscles can also help with vaginal orgasms. (Article from Mayo Clinic on proper way to do Kegels)
LL: Are there resources available to help people in learning how to do this?
Dr.JH: Yes, there are YouTube videos on how to properly do it or the next time you have a pelvic examination, you can ask your doctor how to do a Kegel. You want to be able to contract and release, that’s what is important.
There are devices that will give you feedback and there are physical therapists that actually specialize in Kegel exercises and pelvic floor disorders. Of course, I know about that but it’s not really been common knowledge up to this point.
LL: In terms of owning your own orgasm, what else should we be doing physically?
Dr.JH: Just being happy with who you are is key. But, that’s probably more of a mental thing. Learning to love your body is something that I am constantly working on myself. That’s something that can inhibit people from feeling good about themselves and having a healthy mindset.
I wrote an article a couple of months ago that was about a study that said that 50% of women couldn’t identify where their vagina was. Some people were blown away that there are three holes down there. It was shocking but I was like, Wow! We’re not doing a good job with sex education. Women just don’t know enough about their bodies. We don’t learn about pleasure and what brings us pleasure. We just have to do better.